...desolation

I hate this feeling. Where can I turn away to? This desolation has blatantly stalked me for a while but faking smiles had become my talent so people and even I barely noticed. False things, like my smiles become who I was. It was my defense mechanism-a good way to avoid all the things I fear. But everything that was chasing me become too real. Pain came crashing over my head and tears came rushing from my eyes. Life was catching up to me and I have nowhere to hide. It was almost as if I had been forced to give up on happiness by an outside force, but it's different this time. I refuse to believe that everythings gonna be alright because I know it's not. What if the breaths stop coming? Will the hurt finally go away?

It's a sharp pain that cuts through my entire being and I've hit the breaking point. I'm a window that a baseball has been through and I can never be put back together. I'm shattered... I'm broken... This hurts so badly that I've lost all the desire to pretend that I'm okay. As if the tears that pierce my eyes as they roll down my cheeks aren't obvious enough. I'm lost and confused. I'm worth nothing like this. I am nothing like this, nothing but a shitload of nothing... And maybe that's all I ever was in the first place.


I am trying to understand how things came to be.. How I ended up this way.. I swear it'd never happen to me. I felt this coming but I thought I could stop it.WRONG! It's too powerful and controlling. Too much to carry alone, and I got knocked down because I'm by myself. So I'm lying here, waiting for someone to see me at this low. And maybe, just maybe, that person will help me get up again.... :-l